ABYSS RECORDS Haul - Winners Announced!

woo.

Buuuuurrrrrpppp GurgleGurgleGurgle Buuuuurrrrrpppp GurgleGurgle SATAN!!! Buuuuurrrrrpppp Squeal GurgleGurgleGurgle Buuuuurrrrrpppp GurgleGurgle!

Satan want to eat all hipsters, they will all disappear and metalheads will be the kings of the world!!

Arm your axes, spike armbands, patched denim vest (with abyss records patches, of course) and horned helmets,

prepare for war!!!

Abyss Records is a cool name.

I'd love to win this because I haven't heard of a single one of those bands, except mentioned a few times on the forums.

Also for some reason, the only album cover that is showing up for me is the Faust one, but I figure that it's probably the best one. :D

Here's all I have to say:

'There once was a haul from Abyss,

Something upon, one would not piss,

"A grab bag of extremity,"

sounds like my cup of tea--

give unto me for my personal Bliss!'

I would probably really love to win this considering the only album I can see is depicting a topless nun (possibly bound by the wrists!) with ridiculous (possibly fake!) hooters! So I can only imagine how sweet the other 14 records are... And that means if every one of those 14 albums has at least one set of hooters, that makes 30 hooters in all! Wow... That is a good haul!

Know what else I would probably love? If I had something to open this beer with handy at my desk. Where's a lighter when you need one...

I want that Faust album very badly. But not because of the titties on the cover.

Emo Vampires.

Fuck You Twilight.

me sneezing very loudly is a far more interesting and captivating shriek than those you are supposed to hear on lilith immaculate. why does taking the image of a greek/roman god and associating it with satan is interesting. beats me. so darkly darkly venus aversa make me your slave.

Come blood!

I lure you down, underground

Like so many times before

You’re not the first and not the last

Forced to be my whore

Once inside, this place I hide

It will be such a thrill

You will scream and I will laugh

coz it´s my pleasure to kill

Suffer!

Suffer my torture tactics you cock teasing bitch

suffer my torture tactics, your death will be fantastic

With love I force me down your throat and while you slowly choke

My knife will cut and slice your face while I ejaculate

Now die, die, now die!

Collecting, dismembering

My victims so tortured

Hanging, in meat hooks

My victims so tortured

Bodies and bodies and bodies I torture

Divisions and armys of bodies I torture

Now dead

Won’t give head

Now dead

Finally dead

I lure you down, underground

Like so many times before

You’re not the first and not the last

Forced to be my whore

Once inside, this place I hide

It will be such a thrill

You will scream and I will laugh

coz it´s my pleasure to kill

Kill, kill, kill, my pleasure to kill

Kill, kill, kill, kill

Maiming and slaughtering

Desecrate the dead

Torturing, raping

Ejaculation of the wicked

Maiming and slaughtering

Desecrate the dead

Torturing, raping

Ejaculation of the wicked

I learned I could refer to one of my Professors "Odin" rather than Professor Hart today.

Yeap, Odin is teachin' me the Principles of Macroeconomics.

The Dude abides.

If that Faust album has some tour dates on the back it would make a great t-shirt

My cat's name is Horgh, for the following reasons:

1) You gots to have a metal cat.

2) He is black and white, and his facial markings look like corpse paint.

3) He growls a lot, but is really a big goofy squish at heart.

4) He likes playing with my metronome (he has an impeccable sense of rhythm).

5) The day we got him, he leaped over a lit candle and set himself on FIRE!!! \m/  \m/  (he's alright; he really only singed himself).

6) He has no tail, just like the real Horgh!

This is why I should, nay, must win this contest.  Horgh requires a steady diet of metal, and in this economy, it's getting harder and harder to feed a big guy like Horgh.

My name is Phantom Green, My favorite color is clear, and my favorite smell is oxygen, I once drowned a goldfish, and by golly it musta been a Jesus fish cause it came back to life. I need a girlfriend, when I get close to girls I shart myself, and on more than one occasion have cried after masturbating. These albums would make me much less of a lonely guy....And i farted...and it smells like broccoli, give me a hug or give me fuckin music. Choice is yours Mr. Metal review guy.

What the hell, yes I'm in.

Stop cutting your hair to look like Justin Bieber you fucking mall kids. I WILL kill you.

Since we can write about anything, I'll take this time to rant about shit I hate. I'm feeling like a rant at the moment. And so it begins....I hate: people who drive slow as fuck, the Mets, old women that have done nothing productive in their lives but have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and drive a Mercedes bought by their rich husband who is fucking her yoga instructor, every rapper, Anheiser-Busch products, when the internet on my cell won't work but I supposedly have full service, every "real" housewife, getting a bunch of useless shit to do at work, not having any bud, popular music, guys with blowouts, shitty pizza, dance clubs, Rachael Ray, ignorant assholes, getting a really poor meal when you go out to dine, and dealing with people who beat around the bush. Not very creative, but I feel much better. Thank you metalreview.

Nice. Things that are irritating me:

1) Non-random competitions. Discriminating against those with no talent for writing i.e. me.

2) Blut aus Nord's hipster kvlter-than-thou vinyl only release. If these people want my money they should do a multi-format release, like everybody else. Still, good bless music blogs ...

fuck the world

I want this. Count me in.

So, today I was bored in math class, so I decided to calculate the chance of me getting drunk this weekend!

Normally the chance would be around 50%

Saturday though I am going to a 17th birthday. Therefore I gotta multiply with atleast two:

50 * 2 = 100%

That's a pretty damn good chance of getting drunk, but it gets better (or worse? depending on your view on drinking). Tomorrow I arranged that me and my friends are going to the local tavern and get some beers, and afterwards we will hit a bigger city for a "sport event" which basically translates to a lot of people getting drunk, playing soccer, chess, and fucking around in those sumowrester outfits, etc. Therefore we must multiply with... atleast five.

100 * 5 = 500%

But since I got a few other stuff in my life than just getting drunk I'm going to play a soccer game this weekend and I gotta hold back a little, 'cus it's quite serious (hangovers isn't appreciated). So we got to divide with around five (yeah, five is alot but what are you gonna do....).

500 / 5 = 100%.

Then you gotta consider the fact that me and a few others always grap a few beers after a match. It isn't really that much, but it is something. Multiplying with 1,01:

100 * 1,01 = 101%

So there you have. According to my excellent math skills, there's a 101% chance I'm going to get drunk this weekend. And I REALLY love listening to music drunk ( you see where I'm going MR?)

That's it! Good luck everyone.

I Suck dick for coke. So I would not be opposed to sucking for something else? if not than Ill give you some candy if you get in side the back of my icecream truck. Dont worry I will not finger paint with your blood or cut off your fingers and glue them onto my master work that currently has the fingers of 15 young girls whom I Stripped, Raped And Strangled within the last week. :]  And if you do not Pick me I will call forth the almighty power beelzebub. Tust me you don not want that to happen. You would not like him when he is angry.

I shouldn't win this. Shipping so many CDs to the Northern Artantican wastelands would be extremely costly, and the box might be hijacked by penguins.

If I were to win this contest, once the CDs arrive I will take 15 pictures of me licking the case of each album and share them on the forums.  Bank on it.

as long as this means I don't have to call every band that actually sells something complete crap and can still walk in the daylight I'll take'em

p.s. thanx for opening these old ears to some truly solid bands

Something interesting:

As we age, we lose the top end of our hearing. Typically, kids can hear pitches up to 17 khz, yet as we get older (ie begin to decay) our threshold reaches only 15 khz (or less).

A device knows as the mosquito was originally created at such a high pitch that only children could hear. As society evolved, kids countered: a specific phone ring that only they could hear.

Now, using this food for thought, imagine music targetied at a certain pitch...blows the mind.

Side note: Abyss studio kicks ass, I am sure the record label isn't so bad either.

Damn. There's no Kate Perry here. Or Justin Bieber. That makes me a sad panda.

mhh..Im too lazy to write a blurb about an album or an ode to David Bromstad.

I'm going going to a Pimps and Hoes Party tomorrow night and I need these releases to keep my bitches in check while at the same time, show everyone what a KVLT boss I am!

GanGStA thUg y0 r3pr3s3nt!

Here’s to the old school, didn’t matter if you looked cool

We drank some beers and broke some heads

We never gave a shit

Climbed every mountain, stormed every city

They said that this would never last

We never gave a fuck

Bacon is fucking delicious, blackened or not.

fuck David Bromstad

How’s your game 8/27/10

I received this email from “Dog Lovr” over the weekend that I wanted to share.

“Americannibal I was born without any kidneys and have an external bladder that holds my waste. It makes it awkward talking to the ladies’s. Can you help me with my game?”

Thanks for the email Dog Lovr. You must always remember, when it comes to the ladies, foreign language > physical disability. Try stringing together a couple Spanish words you’ve heard on TV into a phrase. When you are out at your favorite sports bar and see that hottie in the Brett Favre jersey sipping a Zima, forget about your bag full of urine and whisper “Donde esta por favor” in her ear. I don’t know Spanish, but she should melt in your arms.

Best of luck Dog Lovr, gracias mas bueno.

"Glue... very powerful stuff."

Battlefield by Idesofmarch

Battlefield

bloody battlefield

standing in the ranks

a footknight

i stand

i live to die

die for supposed valor

die for frivolous victory

i am a soldier

my armor encrusted with blood

squeeks and squeels

standing in the ranks

i hear the war horns cry

the end is near

my brothers in arms standing near me

we begin the march

march to our deaths

yet we are in love with that end

an honorable end to fight for one’s lord

i stand

i live to die

take lives for the greater good

we begin to move faster

the archers have already peppered the enemy with arrows

like many meteors falling and killing with deadly acuracy

i stand

i live to die

i charge

we hit the enemy like a battering ram

crushing bones under each step

we cut them down

nothing will stand between us

and victory

we crush them

we route them

give no quarter

no lives are spared

we are death

and till our death we will be

i stand

i live to die

live to die in battle…..

I hate Seinfeld.

These would fit in nicely with my current CD collection. Yes, that's right, I said CD COLLECTION! I hate feeling like myself and a few others keep the entire music industry afloat while so many download illegally and the bands that do hit it big are often worthless. I feel bad for talented bands trying to make it while the media continues to hype bands like Bullet For My Valentine, Suicide Silence (Jose Mangin from Liquid Metal talks these guys up like they are the second coming of Black Sabbath), Job For A Cowboy, and countless others. It is refreshing to visit a site like MR and see that the spirit of metal is alive and well. I'd also like to end on a positive note by saying that the new Iron Maiden album is Fandamntastic!

I don't think I'll win, as I'm not in a creatibe mood (I think Pagaard might, he made me laugh!), but if on the ridiculously unlikely occassion that I do, thanks MR for all the giveaways and great reviews and EVERYTHING. I'm going to the Great Barrier Reef for a month for school tomorrow, so please don't let my family see that last cover...

I love you Metal Review, you single handedly (apart from the hundred or so hands in the forum) introduced me to tons of new awesome Metal, far too much for me to be able to buy with my miniscule income, therefore free metal would be awesome.

Thats right, im going down the sucking up/sympathy route. I hope it works, I would really like to win one of these things sometime.

I could be all clever n' shit and write some smarmy rant against hipsters or copy and paste some lyrics or a film quote (because THAT'S never been done, guys), but as I'm sitting here, I just have to wonder what the fucking point is.  I mean, I've been having all of these heart problems as of late and as I just found out, my heart is literally misplaced in my body by a few inches and is going to gradually fuck me up over time and send me to an early grave lest I get some sort of corrective surgery that I have no way of paying for now.  If I'm going to die soon anyway, why the hell should I bother trying to make light of it by winning some contest?  It's not going to change the fact that we're all going to be dirt in the ground sooner or later.  There's no point to any of it.  

If I win, I will sell the CDs and use the proceeds to send sloanan a cookie bouquet. It's guaranteed to temporarily bring him out of his funk, and it'll be good karma for all involved. Won't stop any of us from dying, though.

Just ordered pizza, in nothing but death growls

You know, I looked at all the albums up there, and I honestly don't recognize any of the bands. I really wish I had gotten into metal earlier than I did.  I'm already a year into the metal, and there is just way too much for me to keep up with.  Therefor, I'd love some cds.

My text interpretation of the first 45 seconds of Transfixion off Destroy Erase Improve:

Bappa bad um dum bappa ba dum dum bappa ba dum bappabappabappadum

Bum bum dum bum bum dum bum bum dum bum bum dum

Boodo doo do doodo doo doo boodo do do do boodododododododo

Djundun DJUN djun Djundun DJUN djun Djundun DJUN djun Djudju djedjen

Djudju djudju DJENDJEN

Djundun DJUN djun Djundun DJUN djun Djudju djedjen

Djudju djudju DJENDJEN

DJA DJAAAAAA JAAA JOOOO JAAA  JAAAA JOO JAAAA  JAAAAA JOO JAAA

Daa djun djun djadada daa djun dada djaa djun dada da djundjun

Dududun djadjaa dudundjaa dadundun dja dudundja dadundun

~cut to interlude at 1:02

woo no noo woe nee noo woo no noo wo wono neenoo

woo no noo woe nee noo woo no noo wo wono neenoo

woo no noo woe nee noo woo no noo wo wono neenoo

woo no noo woe nee noo woo no noo wo wono neenoo

^^ haha

GIMME

.

Ok, I'll list some interesting/funny/ironic quotes from bands/artists/etc. that I've read or came across recently:

"Black metal is like fucking a 60-year-old drunk and drugged bitch, hows that for depressive shit?". -- A member of Slovenian BM band Bleeding Fist.

"I like to compare myself to Willie Nelson, but of the metal world". -- Glen Benton of Deicide

"People who don't want bands to do commercials and stuff should maybe stop downloading our records. Or maybe, I don't know, brush your teeth while you fuck yourself" -- Josh Homme of QOTSA

"When Rolling Stones comes to me and says they wanna talk about the Misfits, I'm like "Go fuck yourself ! You should've wanted to talk about the Misfits when we were around" " -- Glen Danzig

"I've never been influenced by shoegaze since I didn't know this kind of music when I wrote Le Secret and Souvenirs" -- Neige of Alcest

"Minor Threat was our Rolling Stones and Fugazi was our Beatles. There were so many situations where we were trying to make decisions as a band and we'd ask ourselves, "What would Fugazi do ?" " -- David Sandstrom of Refused

"We played the birthday party of Cher's son. It was pretty crazy. Cameron Diaz was in the front row the whole time throwing up metal horns" -- George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher of Cannibal Corpse

"Its not like we put out one album and blew the fuck up. Its been 10 years of gradual baby steps ascending the mountain" -- Troy Sanders of Mastodon

"I'm a happy guy,. Lyrically people may think I'm not, but the anger and the band stuff, thats my therapy" -- Gary Holt of Exodus

"We never said, "Fuck we can't do that. Its not grind." We just did whatever the hell we wanted, and therefore it was grind. Its like when Richard Nixon said: "If the President does it, its not against the law." If we did, its grind." -- Danny Lilker of Brutal Truth

Nah, it's alright, Nightmare.  Thanks for the concern.  But I was kinda totes jking.  Lol.  I like to do that, y'know?  Fuck with people's heads and all the whatnot.  Emotional terrorism.  It's the only terrorism I endorse.  Plus, maybe I'd get the sympathy vote and all that, cause you can never stop relying on human kindness to get what you want in life.  Just look at all of those people on America's Got Talent who dedicate their performances to their dying family members and all the whatnot.  The judges just *have* to give them a pass to the next round because of it.  I swear that the next time I decide to go on that show, I'm going to go up all twitchy and everything (and blame it on a fucked up flu shot) and then dedicate to my parents.  Who were murdered.

Sometimes life saddens me.  I need something to cheer me up and forget about atrocities poisoning my existence.  Emos , Marroon 5,  finding out that I have to walk a mile already drunk to get some other booze... Shit, that is drama isn't it.

That big 15 would do.

ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong...it's the universal greeting

ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong...it's the universal greeting.

Oh my, sorry for the double post, I have some virus re-director and multiple "entering" going on here.

Hey kids, metalcore and emo are bad, mmmkay? Just go and listen to the real metal stuff, becuse that's just so much cooler, mmmkay? Alright, mmmkay then.

So, I didn't read the requirements for this contest incorrectly. So... uh... Man fuck the man, keeping all us not rich people down. And stuff.

I'm afraid nothing good has been posted.  When's the contest ending?

Whenever I stumble across anyone mistakenly referring to Thrash Metal as "Trash Metal," I show 'em some real trash metal...James Caan-in-The-Godfather style. I beat 'em into unconsciousness with a galvanized garbage can lid. The problem is that you don't see those very often these days, so I have to use my own. Yeah, I get a lot of "why are you always carrying around that garbage can lid?" from people, but the payoff is always worth it.

@sloanan I fear the same thing. Surely something's got to win... right??

ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong! back at ya.....Transformers, Fuckin A, best animated movie ever made. And @ sloanan, nothing good? I managed to cram sharts farts & masturbation into one short paragraph, If thats not artistic genius, Then butter my butt cheeks and call me Halford. I'm out.

My Ode to David Bromstad

David Bromstad, I had to google you

Yes, its true

But now I know

You won a TV show.

It says you were born in 73

One year before me

And you design houses for a livin'

and that you are extemely drivin'

David Bromstad can be seen hosting Color Splash.

While I will be home

listening to thrash,

Thanks to my new Abyss Records stash.

Now I bid a due

to Metal Review

for what I've just won...

A bit titted Nun.

From some random FB page:

"I played {Los Dos Laredos(Spanish Polka)} to a bunch of metal heads. At first they were all tough, then smiles starting breaking out. Eventually even they had to admit that it was a 'bouncing' song. :) "

I suckle at the teat of my dark lord, dreaming of busloads of school children being engulfed in flames.  My urge to burn everything to the ground and extinguish the flames with a mixture of blood, cum and piss grows exponentially by the day.  I can't wait to show all of you the 666 cock of Satan, his unholy throbbing shaft tearing through the heavenly hymen of the Lord your God... bringing forth a painful, volcanic orgasm that will usher in the slow motion apocalypse.  Kill your dog, he is possessed by the spirit of Isaac Asimov.

Oh yeah and I want that fucking Torture Division album.

fuck yupppies

I want blackened bacon!